Ftrain, by Paul Ford

Morning, Monday, after a middling sleep. Considering this newly undertaken path--at best a very lengthy chore that will never quite end. Then again I have, at my own careful preference, a sort of Sisyphean job, meeting a combination of impossible and conflicting needs in a diminished and dying industry. Taking it was a personal sign of adulthood. Health care, which gives me drs. to yell @ me; a steady if unimpressive paycheck; an office with, as of a few months ago, a window; a home with [Wife]. And work, writing, even marriage: all respond well if you acknowledge some of the drudgery, the filling out of forms, the daily discipline, the making-sure-the-dishes-are-done and changing of the litter, putting yourself aside. But now to plow through my unsweetened breakfast and go to work. I would like to ride my bike but the dr. has asked me to wait until I see the cardiologist tomorrow.

From July 1, when I began to write the short application that manages this website:

To Dr. R——'s, seen once before, tall, 60s?, maps of Rome on wall, various archeological imagery. Also [Wife]'s dr. Pulls bullets out of cops. I have whitecoat syndrome; sweating, anxious. Weighed; off scale thus “?” on the chart. @1st, though, fine meeting; down two pants sizes, safely back into the 40s, which given qualities of volume in a sphere is no small &c . . . until I say: “[Wife] has made me a list of my own complaints; when I exercise, there is sometimes indigestion. It goes away if—” Dr. says: “Okay, that, that could be your heart.” Yells name of assistant, and then, “I need other room.” He rises; I ask if I am to follow him; always this with drs. when you wonder whether to follow. I am pressed onto a table. Dr.: “Calm down! You're sweating like a pig! I don't know if I'll be able to get the clips to stick.” But they stick and my heart is fine enough, although I have the risk factors and now the indigestion. “I'm sending you to the cardiologist,” he says. “We'll see how they give you a stress test given how overweight you are. I don't know.”

Weight: 351 lbs