Ftrain, by Paul Ford

I can't do another day of the hot grain porridge. But I also can't do a bagel. It is evidence of my mind's impoverishment that I see these as the only two choices. The two New York City foods that I love are bagels and pizza. The bagel is such a willing receptacle, the breakfast-blank-slate; you could smear it with flies and motor oil and still get satisfaction. But:

To find out where the standard bagel stands in relation to the contemporary New York bagel, plain bagels were collected from 15 bagel shops and markets in New York City. Most of the bagel shops make their own, but some buy from suppliers.

The bagels were delivered to Certified Analytical Group Inc. in Corona, Queens, for a weigh in. Most of them weighed at least half again as much as the standard Agriculture Department bagel. Some are three times as much -- it's easy to find a bagel that weighs six or seven ounces.

In the test, two bagels were bought from each of 10 shops, weighed and analylized (sic.) for calories. An average of the two was calculated. In addition, bagels were bought from five other shops and simply weighed.

For those who believe bigger is better, Bagel on the Square was the winner. The average weight of a bagel there was seven ounces, with 552 calories per bagel. Pick a Bagel was not far behind, with a bagel that weighed on average just under seven ounces and contained 518 calories. Ess-a-Bagel and Dean & Deluca also had 500-plus bagels and Nosh a Bagel came in at 472 calories. The others analyzed were in the 300-plus range. The lightest bagel, three ounces, was from Dunkin' Donuts.

--"Eating Well," Marian Burros, The New York Times

That's another bit of evidence in the archaeological record, the dig I'm on. "As the photos show, they didn't understand about bagels," the instructor will say. "The were warned by the Times, but--"

"Is it true, Doctor, that at times they would conjoin the bagel with butter and jelly? Or even cream cheese?"

"They were not as us, Eightlee. Sometimes--perhaps often, for the record has been obscured by shame--they would purchase that and with that... a large muffin."

A collective gasp.

"But Doctor, eleven hundred calories! At least!"

"Yes, Ninejim. There was a tremendous amount of wheat harvested, endless amounts of fertilizer. They didn't understand that it might come to an end. They were corporeal. They could only see what was in front of them. Their desires could not be modified with a few lines of code. They mated inefficiently."

"Like pack animals," said Ninejim, who like the last eight Jims had externalist tendencies. "Those bagels are the reasons we're in here today."

The destruction of the planet as people consumed all matter and stuffed it into their mouths, gas tanks, or organs of pleasure.

A small first generation virtualizing its brains and transforming into software.

A few thousand brains in a few dozen redundant blocks of biological substrate at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.

Now billions of such brains, a new world. @lantis!

Yet still humans topside--hungry cunning savages rooting through empty oil fields and cracking cans of creamed corn open with loose bricks.

Much better to live in this clean network, all humans conforming to basic visual norms, without the waste of bagels, no one smoking, all stomachs flat, all breasts bouyant, and none of the vulnerable horrors of desire.

"Next," said the Doctor, "we shall put forth a taxonomy of Little Debbie snacks and treats."

Off to find breakfast and take the train to work. Late as usual.