Ftrain, by Paul Ford

Whenever someone loses a lot of weight in public they ask that person what advice the person has for the other fatties. And that person always says something along the lines of gastric bypass/listen to your body/cut out bread/develop cancer/eat only chicken/jogging/ride the white horse/veganism. So I have a fantasy that someone wants to interview me about my dramatic weight loss, down the road--no one will, of course; it's just a fantasy--and they say: "what advice do you have for other people who want to lose weight?" And I say: "I don't know anything about that. I don't have any advice for overweight people. It took me so long, and I really couldn't presume." The say: "You don't have any advice?" And I say: "I do have advice for thin people, actually. I have much more experience with them." And they say: "What would that be?" And I say: "Stop being such dicks."

Ah, fantasies of being interviewed. Thank God Oprah is going off the air. It cuts my anxiety in half.