August 17, 2009 - Breakfast
Your leg looks weird in the reflection, said my wife. Regardless, I said, that rather obvious photograph from Governor's Island is the story of my rather obvious life. I have eaten nearly everything in there. Start at the top left and work down like you're reading a book.
| Definitely the Daisy's yellow grease-bread, | the Wise Cheese Doodles and the | Snyder's Sourdough Pretzels. | And the Wise regular potato chips and the | Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies. | |||||
| Not the Cinnamon Crumb Crumb Cakes, not willingly. | But yes, the Wise Ridges, | the Wise Onion Garlic. | Yes the Welch's Fruit Snacks (a favorite in the previous year, for the gummy mouth-feel). | Yes yes the Bugles. | |||||
| God yes the Dipsy Doodles, I was in thrall to dipsymania, | Yes again to more Ridges. | A billion times yes to the Honey BBQ | (twice these appear, testament to the market value of potato that is boiled in fat, salted, topped with sugar and "flavor"). | Oh and yes to Wheat Thins. | |||||
| Yes to Cheez-Its, boxes stacked tall as a house. | Yes to more Daisy bread. | Mini-Oreos--no. But maxi-Oreos, properly proportioned, yes. | Original Trail Mix? Sure, when I was being "healthy." | Mini Chips Ahoy!? Interrobangingly yes. | |||||
| Nothing. | Dentyne, | M&Ms, | Nature Valley Oats & Honey, | Starburst, yes, yes, yes, yes. | Nothing. | Swedish Fish--see below. | Onward to | Planter's Peanut Bar, and | Peanut M&M's? Check. |
| Pop Tarts, sure. Of course Pop Tarts. What fattie could be without Pop Tarts? They shoot out of the toaster into your mouth. | But not the Big Texas Cinnamon Roll; under no circumstances. I'm a fool but not a monster. | But, but--Grandma's Sandwich Cremes, I hang my head and nod to my shoes. Like sucking on copper, those cookies. You can Taste the Food Science!™ If you are not familiar, they are the Oreos of the poor. Pooreos. | And my God, more Welch's Fruit Snacks. I can smell them, a petri-dish grapeness. | And finally yeah, probably, to whatever the hell that is on the far bottom right, that gray lifeless shape, a beef-and-caramel sandwich or a fried sneaker. I've eaten it. | |||||
Swedish Fish--whole schools of them; I swam through the ocean and filtered them through my baleen plates. They were sold for a penny each on the corner, bright red fish in their bright yellow box, and I would count my pennies and stuff my grubby hands in, back in the day before individually-wrapped. Do you, friend, know what it's like to see five or six Swedish Fish stuffed into a chubby boy's mouth at once, so that they congeal into a fleshly red googlob larger than the tongue? To just let that wonderful mass rest there for a moment, unchewing, the sugar soaking into the bloodstream? No? Would you like to purchase some photos?
I've punched in the numbers and watched the spiral wire twist and listened to the clumping of a bag of evil crashing down; I've stuck my huge paw in and pulled out salt and satisfaction.
Now if you'll excuse me I have to go shit out my entire life.
| Food | Qty | Calories |
|---|---|---|
| Banana, 1 medium | 90 | |
| Blueberries, 1 oz. | 4 | 64 |
| Cereal, Weatabix, Organic, 2 biscuits | 120 | |
| Cereal, fibrous, 2/3 cup | 1.5 | 120 |
| Milk, no fat, 1 c. | 90 | |
| Total | 484 |
Weight: 333.5 lbs