August 28, 2014 - Breakfast

I'm going to track everything as one big meal.

Okay, so yesterday was a day. I got a bunch of miscellany and email answering done. And the kids were pure sweetness. They are just great kids, a lot of temper tantrums but also working so hard to communicate and find their place in the family. Having twins means that they are good sharers, and kind to each other (for the most part).

I thought a lot about my compulsion with food and what drives it, the anxiety and also the sense of comfort. But if I am honest it's a sort of automatic system at this point. It's like a tank driving across the plains. And I need to stop the tank. The tank wants to keep going and going. I don't know how you stop a tank. It won't run out of gas because there are always more pretzels.

Working from memory: I messed up and didn't have breakfast and so I had these breakfast bars instead.

Then I had lunch which was fancy pizza with lots of salad.

Ah and THEN THE TANK--I got off the bus and jumped into the bodega and got some crackers and cookies. That was the extra 600 calories that kills. Then I came home and was foggy and eat the crackers and cookies. I'm ashamed to write it down. I didn't even remember I had eaten it until I sat down and made myself write.

That was pure compulsion right there. There was no nutritive value and I probably wouldn't have bought them if I knew Mo was home and would have noticed me eating them. Just more shitty tank fuel.

Then dinner was settled, a regular meal, salmon burgers and bread and lots and lots of peas. And I had a little yogurt as a desert.

Ulgh. Looking at it there is a sort of narrative of self-care going on, I'm watching myself, and then there are these gaps--almost like blackouts--where I kind of let myself have all the treats I want--and then I'm back to normal as if nothing had happened. Like when I worked with alcoholics and they'd open their desks and liquor bottles fell out.

There is no more bourbon in the house or beer and Mo and I agreed to leave it that way. I was tempted to leave the house but I didn't.