March 7, 2014 - Lunch

I ordered a $5 Mexican meal and then negotiated with myself over a slice of cake and then actually watched myself lose the negotiations. There's a part of me that is so absolutely dedicated to ... failing, basically. I just kind of decide to jump off the cliff. I can see myself doing this, acting out the compulsion, and I can't stop it because I do not want to stop it.

It reminds me a lot of quitting smoking where sometimes the part of the brain that makes any kind of decision at all just falls away and you're left automated, buying a pack while a big part of yourself says "don't do that."

Negotiations fail all the time, everywhere in the world. That's why we have wars and divorces. It's no surprise that internal negotiations fail too.

I don't know. I've named this behavior many times. It comes and goes. The thing I keep doing is saying: I will name this behavior and then control it. I won't do that. I can only name it and let it come and go and figure it out.

I'll paste in a Rumi poem here because I come back to it a lot.

The Guesthouse

This being human is a guesthouse.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

-Rumi