Ftrain, by Paul Ford

I came upon this on a bike ride by Green-Wood Cemetery, on an obscured and empty street--a mailing package and the empty box for a penis enlarger. I imagine the man in a minivan who, having picked up the package (or perhaps it was delivered to him at work), has waited until darkness; he pulls over in the empty darkness, skims the instructions, and is then begins madly pumping, furtively looking out the window every few seconds, foot on the gas pedal in case the cops appear in the distance. Praying for immediate results. A few feet away from the box a bird was perched atop a gravestone.

From "Science and Pseudoscience in Adult Nutrition Research and Practice," Reynold Spector, Skeptical Inquirer:

Do weight-loss diets in obese people work?

None work well. On average, over the long term, obese humans do not lose much weight on voluntary low-calorie diets of any kind. (There are of course a few obese individuals who have “self discipline” and can lose weight and keep the weight off. Their “secret” is obscure.) There is, however, some evidence that low-carbohydrate diets “work” best at least for periods up to one year,[22] but this has not been replicated in a two-year study.[22a] Notwithstanding thousands of weight-loss articles and books, there has been very little progress in this area outside of surgical intervention.

Weight: 334.5 lbs