May 10, 2013 - Breakfast

So I have messed up my leg and it hurts to sit, so this will be short. But if I need a reminder as to why this entire endeavor is important I have it. This thing is a bastard and it's a result of the extra weight.

Mo and I just made a deal: No more takeout, at least for a few days (one day at time etc.); and I'm going to just be very aware of every calorie, especially as since it's hard to sit I'll likely be eating standing up.

Nothing on the calendar but writing projects for a few days so hopefully I can heal up. The doctor will hopefully call back before long. I have a few vicodin if I need them; took one yesterday. I hate taking painkillers. Don't know why exactly. Would avoid aspirin if I could except I clearly need an anti-inflammatory.

But at least I'm not too bothered by standing; my leg seems to stretch out better the longer I stand. I've been meaning to get a standing desk set up and now I'll see how I try it.

I had a big dinner the other night and find myself replaying the evening over and over, all the hateful parts of myself. I have this sense of needing to perform, to be something other than what I am and what people keep asking me to be is exactly what I am.

I keep extracting that. It's pretty exhausting. I keep extracting that sense of despair from nice moments, deciding that I am lacking because of the fit of my jacket or my weight. It doesn't seem to be as exhausting to be other people as it does to be me. I worked closely with someone over the course of the last year and she said it was strange to have every decision analyzed and taken apart. I just figured, well, that's who I am. I take apart every single decision.

Except of course for the ones where I am in denial. I don't take apart decisions about sandwiches.

My leg feels better writing all of this, of course. And I noticed that with my leg pain all the little twinges of stress in my arms and chest have disappeared. A real pain gets rid of the fake and imaginary stress pains.

Weight: 323 lbs