Ftrain, by Paul Ford

Chipotle, where you line up and they pile the food onto your plate.

I have never been to a Chipotle before. I think. I get in line and try to figure it all out and make a careful plan. I've reviewed the calorie card at home; my wife brought it to me. Now here I review again. I know what I want. Firm, eyes-open, brow furrowed.

Suddenly--the front of the line. I am on a rollercoaster that just crested a hill. It all comes so fast. The man wants my order. People are behind me.

Give me the bowl (no bread, no tortilla). There's the rice. Yes salsa. If it comes with sour cream it does okay just a little well not too much--not--ah--ah God too much.

Now the guy has the big spoon in the guacamole and he's asking me if I want it. You don't want to be a cock. The spoon is already in there. You can't screw up the rhythm. I mean we're practically dancing here. Yes, sure, guacamole. He tells me it costs more, says some number. I smile, wave it away. Oh I know! I say, even though I don't know, had no idea, but NYC civic code requires you to always act like you know, especially in a chain restaurant, and do I look like the sort of person who gives a fuck about the cost of a spoonful of guacamole once you've put your spoon in it? Yes salsa yes lettuce yes yes yes yes yes. Rollercoaster comes to a sudden stop; $12.50 for rice and some pork.

Chipotle Grill Facts:

• Chipotle Grill offers career counseling and health insurance to all of its pigs and chickens.

• Chipotle Grill kills animals softly, by his song.

• Chipotle Grill was part of McDonald's for six weeks in 2005 but Chipotle broke its contract because McDonald's lettuce is actually made of guns.

• The dying words of Chipotle Grill's founder, Charles "Chip" Otle, were "no comfortable seating!"

• Chipotle Grill charges $6 more than the pork-and-rice place on Lafayette, for less food.

• Chipotle Grill feels that "Eating should be an occasion, a celebration of real high-quality, whole ingredients simply prepared to create extraordinary tastes." But what Chipotle Grill needs to do is hire some free-range copy editors who haven't been raised on rBGH. (Suggestion: "Eating here is a celebration--a celebration of high-quality, wholesome, simple ingredients, prepared with care to create extraordinary tastes.")

• Chipotle Grill offers free hugs to anyone who dresses as carnitas.