Corporate Affirmations

This is the kind of email I send to Eli, down the hall, when I'm in a certain mood. He's one of my favorite people at work.

To: eli@company.com
Fr: paul@company.com
CC:
Subj: I want to .

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Dear Eli,

Good morning. You are a shithead. I will pick up my computer monitor and bash in your face. When you are crumpled on the floor, I will pay one of your interns $5 to smear your with PONY MUSK. Then I will lead a WILD PONY into the office. I will have prepared this pony by showing it lots of PONY SEX PICTURES FROM PONY MAGAZINES. Don't worry, it will be good and ready to RELEASE COPIOUS GALLONS OF VILE SALINE FLUID INTO YOUR ACHING ORIFICES.

Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die.

Paul

Good morning. You are a shithead. I will pick up my computer monitor and bash in your face. When you are crumpled on the floor, I will pay one of your interns $5 to smear your with PONY MUSK. Then I will lead a WILD PONY into the office. I will have prepared this pony by showing it lots of PONY SEX PICTURES FROM PONY MAGAZINES. Don't worry, it will be good and ready to RELEASE COPIOUS GALLONS OF VILE SALINE FLUID INTO YOUR ACHING ORIFICES.

Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die.

Paul

Usually he writes back in turn; to this message he wrote a fantastic email about cutting off my genitals, throwing my body onto a bed of thumbtacks, then sexually violating my skull and killing me. Other exchanges have covered shit-eating, hiring people to rape each other, and truly surprising methods of (not allowed under current US law, actually)

Maybe I shouldn't share this (and as you can see, I had second thoughts), but what the hell. It's only words; I didn't do it.

Further reading: "The Story of the Eye" by George Bataille. A magical combination of Sex with Eggs, Sex with Urine, and French People.