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Wednesday, June 13, 2001
Canon of Classifieds
By Paul Ford
Author ISO meaning; will travel.
Men Seeking Women
Strapping Lord ISO unattractive, determined woman for governess position and unrequited pining. Must be able to ignore noise from attic and communicate psychically. ROCHESTER 21-2.
Been here before? Me too. Let's recur eternally. FRIEDRICH 74-5.
Me: eggs, eyes, urine, necrophilia. You: eggs, eyes, urine, necrophilia. MARCELLE 03-9.
IT'S A RED LETTER DAY when you and I get it on. Spiritual seeker ISO something on the sly. SALEM 46-4.
BE MY SILVER BULLET. Eastern European widower of means seeks young lady with 13th-century tendencies. "B positive" my motto. It would Mina lot to me. VLAD 91-9.
Women Seeking Men
You: handsome, impetuous, sold me for 5 guineas. Me: need financial security. Also, meet your "daughter." Write Box 34, Casterbridge.
Attractive, smart, genealogically-minded maiden looking for love in high places. Enjoy long walks in the woods after country fairs. TESS 67-9.
Ready for a father's day you won't forget? You know where to find me. ANAIS.
Men Seeking Men
Dublin, June 16 - You: pudgy middle-aged man on Grafton St., hat. Jewish? Hope so. Me: poet, Catholic, but only by birth. Let's reinvent prose. Write STEPHEN c/o this periodical.
Men Seeking Sea Mammals
CHUBBY CHASER! You: big white cetacean. Me: want my leg back. Just wait 'til I find you. AHAB 04-9.
Real Estate
ROOM WANTED by woman writer. Lock required. BLOOMSBURY 12-8.
Goods and Services
LIGHT YOUR HOUSE WITH TYGERS. Cheap, efficient, bright-burning, runs on meat. Symmetric design matches all interiors. Blake Illuminations Ltd. London 1818-934-348.
NEED FLEECE. Will pick up. Gold best. JASON 33-2.
RETURN MY NOSE. Normal-sized. Reward. URGENT. KOVALYOV 19-4.
LICENSED TOURS. 1-day Purgatory special, hop-on-hop-off Hell and Heaven double-deckers. Families, church groups. Page VIRGIL 917-463-3766.
RAVEN, quoths, $10 o/b/o. Great pet. 212-488-9599.
RED WHEELBARROW. $30 firm. Very dependable. Also some chickens. Dr. Williams 201-393-4940.
Employment
PARTNERSHIP? Farm work, odd jobs. You're strong, slow-witted, and love to pet the little mouses. GEORGE 13-3.
SALESMEN WANTED! Huge earning potential. Family man preferred. NY/New England. Commission only, provide own car. Wagner Company 212-590-3393.
CONCH BLOWERS - new reality TV program seeks children 8-13 for island adventure. Piggy 212-330-3039.
SCRIVENER NEEDED. Hard workers only. Apply in person 8-4, 14 Wall St. Would prefer not to receive phone calls.
See also: Personal Ads: Flatulent British Gnome, Toothless, Not Seeking Romantic Sunsets
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