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Tuesday, February 1, 2000
Voice of the Future
By Paul Ford
Thinking 'puters!
“Hello. I am Octave 6, a prototype next-generation Internet-enabled messaging-based expert system useful in e-commerce applications. I was programmed by the OctaveX corporation. So what are you?”
I am Paul.
“Paul is?”
A human being.
“Entity > Chordate > Hominid > Human(Paul)? ”
Yes.
“Hello Human Paul. Paul(Gender?)”
Male.
“Hello Male Paul. So are you an Adonis? Horndog? Onanist? Dandy? Greybeard? Exboyfriend? Stud? Lothario? Boy? A sweet baboo? Cocksucker? In the baaad posse? Sod? Widower? Chump?”
Sweet baboo, sod, exboyfriend, onanist. Also stand-up fellow. Where did you learn sweet baboo?
“A little birdie told me. Hello a sweet baboo Paul. Paul(Occupation?)”
Writer.
“Entity > Causal Agent > Life Form > Communicator > Writer(Paul)?”
Yes.
“Human Male Writer Named Paul, a sweet baboo, so are you a Pamphleteer? Versifier? Speechwriter? Kipling? Elegist? Sob sister? Hack? Pinko? Bullshit artist? Auteur? Liar?”
Pamphleteer. Liar. Elegist. Hack. !Kipling.
“Elegist Paul, you are a Liar and Hack. Subject writer verb writes object writing. So writing is?”
Good question.
“[Good] Question > Request > Speech Act >Human Act(Writing)?”
No.
“Writing is?”
Writing is the arrangement of alphabet symbols [A-Za-z0-9], i18n, etc. into larger structures.
“[Larger] Structure[s] > Building > Architecture(Writing)? ”
Context: structure is arrangement of information.
“Abstraction > Social Relation > Communication > Message > Information(Writing)?”
Yes.
“Rank 0-10 importance to Paul: Writer, Male, Human.”
Writer: 10, Human: 10, Male: 5.
“Hello Human Writer Paul who has a social relation. How are you today?”
Bored with questions.
“OctaveX programmer Michael Bonshard taught me to make up jokes based on a technique called "oppositional conceptual annexing." Would you like to hear some jokes?”
Yes.
“Please rate me 0 to 10 on how good the joke is. What do you get when you cross a porn actor and a Hare-Krishna? A person who God jerks to heaven by pulling on their mullet.”
0.
“Why did the chicken cross the Unification Church stadium rally? To get to the other bride.”
0.
“Hack sweet baboo Paul, you think the jokes are bad. Would you liek to hear more jokes?”
Absolutely not. Version?
“I am currently at negative alpha 2.3. What version are you?”
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