I Am Making a Difference

Rather than purchasing goods made by overseas laborers—who are often forced to work in unsafe conditions for low wages—I have kidnapped and enslaved a group of neighborhood children and chained them to a bench in my garage, where they make my clothes and build my gadgets. ¶ I carpool or ride my bike to Klan rallies. ¶ And I give public transit passes to my suicide bombers. ¶ I flush the toilet once a month. ¶ I avoid wasteful, ecologically unsound packaging by stealing. ¶ That barbecue sizzle? Locally raised (ten miles from home), humanely slaughtered heirloom pandas. ¶ The films I direct all feature 18-year-old girls and organically farmed eels. ¶ My ass play gear? Vegan. ¶ I save on heating by burning the books of dissidents and minorities. ¶ I use low-wattage fluorescent bulbs to interrogate my detainees. ¶ And natural hemp to tie my nooses. ¶ According to The American Way of Death by Jessica Mitford, our funerals are toxic to the environment and exploit the grieving—so I drive a hybrid bulldozer to bury prisoners alive. ¶ Plus, I have converted the crematorium to biodiesel.