The Premium

As mostly everybody knows by now, The
Hoeing Zollerns portrays a German farm
family which settles in Ireland,
uh...inevitable mixups which prove to be
so very very funny. So keep those phone
calls coming for your favorite show! Let
Grandpa Kurt and all the others know how
much they're, well, loved, actually, in
the five counties.

I think Rich has an unusual umbrella to
show us. It's the, uh, quite bosomy
caricature of Gretchen from the show.
AND I see you're also holding a mug with
your other hand? Let me just re-LIEVE
you of it for my own, uh, devious
purposes. I hope Jerry's camera can
see...this. Beautiful Gothic script on
this cup here! It's four or five of the
fractured German and Irish phrases from
the show. Like Faith and begorrah, dot
ist a fertilizer?

And now we have a surprise tape to show
you now, but please please keep on

Zis Grandpapa Kurt. In ze five
county best our show. So danke a lot!
Und zend in zose marks! Dollars I mean!
Mit der pledges! Who on ze phones,

It's not Larry now, Kurt, but Belsome
Narraway here. And on the phones to my
left, the Combined Realtors of the Five

And manning - and womanning - the bank on
my right, the Five Counties Dental
Association and their, of course,
lovely hygienists - speaking of
which I have right here Dr Ralph Macron,
whose favorite show on PBS is? Well, I
don't think we have golf, but weren't
you just talking about those
extraordinary conversations with the old
directors at the Hollywood Convalescent
Home, part of the Film Pioneers Series?

And Gwendelin, your very own hygienist
here, uh, likes? Oh? All right then,
it's not Gwendelin but GEL-dewin. That
spy and his thing you say? Come again?
Ah yes! I have it! Berkley In the Fold!
Speaking of which I think Marcy over
there has a special bookset over there


PEEK is the website of Paul Ford and his pseudonyms. It is showing its age. I'm rewriting the code but it's taking some time.


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About the author: I've been running this website from 1997. For a living I write stories and essays, program computers, edit things, and help people launch online publications. (LinkedIn). I wrote a novel. I was an editor at Harper's Magazine for five years; then I was a Contributing Editor; now I am a free agent. I was also on NPR's All Things Considered for a while. I still write for The Morning News, and some other places.

If you have any questions for me, I am very accessible by email. You can email me at and ask me things and I will try to answer. Especially if you want to clarify something or write something critical. I am glad to clarify things so that you can disagree more effectively.


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© 1974-2011 Paul Ford


@20, by Paul Ford. Not any kind of eulogy, thanks. And no header image, either. (October 15)

Recent Offsite Work: Code and Prose. As a hobby I write. (January 14)

Rotary Dial. (August 21)

10 Timeframes. (June 20)

Facebook and Instagram: When Your Favorite App Sells Out. (April 10)

Why I Am Leaving the People of the Red Valley. (April 7)

Welcome to the Company. (September 21)

“Facebook and the Epiphanator: An End to Endings?”. Forgot to tell you about this. (July 20)

“The Age of Mechanical Reproduction”. An essay for (July 11)

Woods+. People call me a lot and say: What is this new thing? You're a nerd. Explain it immediately. (July 10)

Reading Tonight. Reading! (May 25)

Recorded Entertainment #2, by Paul Ford. (May 18)

Recorded Entertainment #1, by Paul Ford. (May 17)

Nanolaw with Daughter. Why privacy mattered. (May 16)

0h30m w/Photoshop, by Paul Ford. It's immediately clear to me now that I'm writing again that I need to come up with some new forms in order to have fun here—so that I can get a rhythm and know what I'm doing. One thing that works for me are time limits; pencils up, pencils down. So: Fridays, write for 30 minutes; edit for 20 minutes max; and go whip up some images if necessary, like the big crappy hand below that's all meaningful and evocative because it's retro and zoomed-in. Post it, and leave it alone. Can I do that every Friday? Yes! Will I? Maybe! But I crave that simple continuity. For today, for absolutely no reason other than that it came unbidden into my brain, the subject will be Photoshop. (Do we have a process? We have a process. It is 11:39 and...) (May 13)

That Shaggy Feeling. Soon, orphans. (May 12)

Antilunchism, by Paul Ford. Snack trams. (May 11)

Tickler File Forever, by Paul Ford. I'll have no one to blame but future me. (May 10)

Time's Inverted Index, by Paul Ford. (1) When robots write history we can get in trouble with our past selves. (2) Search-generated, "false" chrestomathies and the historical fallacy. (May 9)

Bantha Tracks. (May 5)

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