Day: Mar 10

4 intervals from 10 Mar 2001 (Heralds Chastely Arroyo)

1:45 am

Somehow the drifting is okay. She fights her personal battles. I am glad to listen but not so interested in helping her fight them. Which is as well because it's better for her to deal with it herself.

But yes the sex was nice for a while.

[NOTE: 30 lines/grafs removed from public version of file.]
You're doing well, she said, and I said, I seem to be okay.

So we'll go to some art gallery tomorrow, and I'll possibly go back to her place and curl next to her, undressed, if we want, and it will be comforting, and something may happen because we are now at the point where it doesn't matter, where sex is no longer a way to hold onto the other person but it's calm and familiar, because you know the rhythms and the spots, the kinds of pressure to make the body tighten around your fingers in quick motions, but then, but then, but then, probably not, possibly not, and maybe hopefully not

and in the morning she will get her shower and I will
beat off and she will come back and put on her shirt and her jeans
and I will put on my shirt and my jeans
and I will kiss her in a gentle, slow, sad way
but already my attentions are elsewhere, all around me,
on color and sound.

it is likely - a possibility to be anticipated - that M! will go on and find someone else to go to bed with fairly soon, or perhaps not,

and I will not,
because she is not shy,
and physically attractive in an easy-to-understand way,

and I am shy, and physically attractive in a less easy-to-understand way,

what can I do but wish her the best, and be grateful I learned a good deal from her, and take the painful feeling of being sexually replaceable in stride? And in truth it does get easier. But I hate to lose anything.

The jealousy is more like a chill than a fire, and I want

to lose
   this gut

In bed alone under the blankets I find myself holding perfectly still and feeling wonderful, for some reason. Calm in the cold below the blankets and real peace, for a few seconds, and I hold that stillness and do not move.

2:30 am

What follows is obscene. It's part of a story I'm working on. It's not there yet; it needs music.

[NOTE: 33 lines/grafs removed from public version of file.]

1:14 pm

Resources related to saving every keystroke:

Macintosh control panel


KeyGhost: hardware that plugs into the keyboard, records every keystroke.


The Keylogger - software; "Do you need to know what your child is doing on the computer?   Is your spouse cheating on you?   Do you need to monitor your employee's internet activity?"


Weird Maryann Clemson English Class Page


Java Keystroke Class


Princeton Speech to Incoming Students


Applications and Impact of Hypermedia Systems: An Overview


2:07 pm

Now, this is the first pornographic story I ever wrote. I wrote it several months ago. Eventually it will be revised, and it will belong to Scott Rahin, who will be writing all the pornography on Ftrain. I wrote it when I split from M! the first time and I wanted to get something back of my sexuality.

The plot on this story is flawed - I don't like the moment where the sex begins; it's all too wordy. It was a way to try out a pornographic style, which I'd never done before. And I think that a few more experiments and I could have something good. What I want is not just good masturbation material but something that points back to the reader, something that takes them inside their own spaces and perhaps, helps them (and me!) get off the guilt-driven hamsterwheel of intercourse.

Showing people slowly being released by that would mean less description of the sex act rather than eroticization of major elements in the story, using what one phone conversation described as "heat" in text, pushing that element of sexual warmth - really just the way the paragraphs are formed and a certain choice of sensual words - forward in the prose.

Of course, the story itself is censored from the public version.

[NOTE: 278 lines/grafs removed from public version of file.]




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About the author: I've been running this website from 1997. For a living I write stories and essays, program computers, edit things, and help people launch online publications. (LinkedIn). I wrote a novel. I was an editor at Harper's Magazine for five years; then I was a Contributing Editor; now I am a free agent. I was also on NPR's All Things Considered for a while. I still write for The Morning News, and some other places.

If you have any questions for me, I am very accessible by email. You can email me at ford@ftrain.com and ask me things and I will try to answer. Especially if you want to clarify something or write something critical. I am glad to clarify things so that you can disagree more effectively.


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© 1974-2011 Paul Ford


@20, by Paul Ford. Not any kind of eulogy, thanks. And no header image, either. (October 15)

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Welcome to the Company. (September 21)

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