Deeply sexual dream about Cybil Shepherd, which is just funny, especially if you know how unstylish and fat I am. She grabbed my shirt and said, "I'm going to fuck your brains out."

I didn't disagree. Of course, like real life, we never actually did anything. The dream ended with her calling her agent and saying to me, "Just a minute! I still want to!"

I used to like her on Moonlighting; she co-starred with the barely-known Bruce Willis. I was in middle school. She had legs. All the conditions for a one-handed romance were met.

My friend Alex told me that he used to watch Friday Night Videos when he was about thirteen, in hope of seeing the Madonna video set in a peepshow. He would jerk off into a sock.

"I went through a lot of socks." he said. "Once, I went to a friend's house, my best friend Mike Adam, and he had Cinemax. I was...fourteen? I woke up at two AM for some reason; he was asleep and the TV was still on, and Cinemax had some bad softcore porn.

"What the hell could I do? You never see anything like that at home. To not jerk off would be wasting it."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"I tried to think of, you know, baseball, or old midgets, or cornish hens, or even my dad, but it wouldn't go away. So, finally, I went into his closet and jerked off into one of Mike's socks."

"That's just nasty."

"No, nasty is when my friend Tim comes to visit and jerks off while I'm asleep, and then he wakes me up to tell me about it. He's like: 'I jerked off and you were asleep.' Ulgh."

"Into a sock?"

"Yes," he said, "a sock."